Sincerity; Should we tell everything to the couple?

Posted by SVAKOM 02/06/2020 0 Comment(s) Official blog,

Sincerity or using the truth to the point of harm, ourselves or someone else, have you ever heard it? We have all met someone who complains of being "too sincere" and that only brings upset in life, of course, then we realize that this person confuses sincerity with lack of education and is able to tell you in your face how bad that dress looks on you without being asked.

It seems to me an interesting specific concept as a couple, because in general it seems that the most widespread idea is that of sincerity is essential in a healthy relationship and, from what I see in the consultation, sometimes this is carried to the extreme.

A real example.

I recently had a partner in consultation who had already undergone a therapy process with another psychologist. The fact is that, from what they told me, the professional told them that an important step to improve communication was very sincere. I totally agree, by the way, but I think they take it too literally.

What appeared to be the positive effects of the therapy were sustained until Sincerity was the new problem. This couple came home and I know things like "Today I was attracted to the Pilates teacher" or "I've been thinking for a few days about whether I would be happier single." A brutal sincerity, indeed, but is so much information necessary?

What NOT to tell the couple.

Many people consider lying as the worst tradition that their partner can make for them, but most do not want to listen to each of the thoughts that go through the other's head. And is that telling the truth does not mean saying everything.

Actually, the formula is quite simple, it is a question of asking two things before launching into sincerity; Does this new information bring something positive to the relationship? Can knowing this in any way harm my partner?

Perhaps the woman in the previous example was bad for thinking erotically about her Pilates teacher (this is another debate) and believed that she would feel better if she shared her guilt with her husband. It was actually quite an innocent wish because there was no real intention behind it, so it wasn't even that he had to reveal that he was about to be unfaithful. Informing your partner that you fixed more time on your teacher's butt than usual did not contribute anything positive to the relationship and it is also a fact that can-do additional harm to the person, of course.

In general, sharing with your partner data from your previous sexual life, we can say that it is not a good idea. It is not something that is prohibited, we all know when we can talk about our ex, perhaps the context is appropriate or a story is coming, but let's say that it is not mandatory to go into detail. That would be Sincerity.

It is also not ideal to reveal every little doubt you have about the relationship, because the other person could magnify and worry more about the account when it is most likely that this insecurity will pass as it has come. Obviously, you should talk about the problems that affect the couple, at no time did he say the opposite, but we all have days in the other specifically we do not like it well and it is not necessary to announce a hype and cymbal when we know that tomorrow we will be the same as forever.

Should we ask our partner?

We do not have a duty to know everything about our partner. Our relationship does not work better just because we separate every detail of your life and of course it is not necessary to know anything about your intimate or sexual life before us. In contrast, Sincerity can do damage that is difficult to repair.

That we are curious beings and we like to ask? well phenomenal, ask. Now, we should apply the phrase "Don't ask if you don't want to know the answer" and try not to punish ourselves with information that will harm us later.

We have assumed that it will not hurt us and we want to ask our partner how many people he has slept with (crazy!). We have every right in the world to ask, indeed, the same right that he / she has to refuse to answer.

By Marta Ibáñez Sainz-Pardo